The Conversation That Can Help Change Your Relationship With Your Teenager

It can be very difficult to watch your sweet, cuddly little boy turn into a moody teenager. But, it’s important to understand that the transformation is natural, temporary, and not something they can fully control. A recent question on Quora prompted a wise mother of two to explain to her son about the changes his brain is going through and why those changes have presented challenges to their relationship.

Why is the car the best place to have this conversation?

The mother, a fantasy writer named Jo Eberhardt, first approached this conversation in the car. She intentionally chose the car to broach this sensitive issue because it would allow them a half-hour of uninterrupted time together. She also noted that the logistics of driving meant that they would not be able to make prolonged eye contact, which would make it easier to avoid accidental confrontations and encourage vulnerability.

Take responsibility for your imperfections

Admitting to your own mistakes will help your child feel more comfortable and open to talking. Eberhardt begins the conversation with her son by apologizing for not explaining to her son earlier about the changes that are happening in his brain during puberty.  She tells him that she’s sorry she’s let him down by not preparing him better. This admission helps her son be more open to what she has to say next.

Explain the changes happening in their brain in a clear, concise way

Eberhardt explains to her son that by the time he was 5 or 6, his brain had already grown to be almost as big and powerful as an adult’s brain. But, even though his brain was powerful, it was giving his body instructions for a child’s body. Now that his body was changing into an adult body, his brain would have to change as well. 

She told him that one of the first parts of his brain to mature into adulthood was the amygdala, the part that controls emotions and survival instincts. It’s the amygdala that kicks into action when you feel stressed or threatened. 

While the amygdala matures early, the frontal cortex is the last part of your brain to develop. The frontal cortex is the part of your brain that’s good at decision-making and understanding consequences. 

During puberty, you have a powerful adult amygdala creating intense emotions and an immature frontal cortex that can’t make decisions or understand consequences as quickly as the amygdala requires.

Empathize with your child about how these changes impact their feelings

As Eberhardt explained to her son about what was going on inside his body, he began to share more about what he’s been going through. 

 “Sometimes I don’t know why I say the things I do. They just come out, and then I feel bad.” he confessed to her.

Letting your child know that these changes are not their fault can help reduce the shame and help them open up to you more.

While they can’t control their feelings, they do have to take responsibility for their actions…

Ebhardt told her son that she guesses that his head is probably filled with chaos and confusion and that he probably doesn’t always know how he’ll feel from one minute to the next.

He agreed and asked his mom if these changes are his fault.  Ebhardt responds with:

“No, it’s puberty’s fault your brain works the way it does. But that doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility to recognise what’s going on and change your actions. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible, either. Your feelings are your feelings, and they’re always okay. But you get to choose your actions. You get to choose what you do with your feelings. And, when you make a mistake, you get to choose to apologise for that mistake and make amends.”

Ebhardt told her son that apologizing and making amends is an important way he can demonstrate that he’s becoming an adult.

One conversation won’t fix everything…

Ebhardt concluded by hugging her son and reminding him that she will continue to make mistakes, but assured him that he can help make it easier for both of them by talking to her and explaining what’s going on in his head 

The issues in their relationship did not stop completely. Ebhardt’s son still sometimes speaks disrespectfully to her. She still sometimes forgets he’s not a little boy. But, they were able to open the lines of communication between them so that the challenges of puberty became easier to navigate.