How Can We Help Teenagers Deal With Their Emotions About Pandemic Isolation?

Adolescence is supposed to be a time of increasing independence. It’s normal for teenagers to try out new identities, develop different interests, and spend a lot of time with their friends. But, the pandemic has made it a lot more difficult for teenagers to take these next steps towards adulthood. Suddenly, something as simple as listening to music at a friend’s house has changed from a normal, healthy activity to something that could put their whole family at risk.

Why don’t teenagers understand how dangerous COVID is?

Teenagers can seem so grown up that sometimes we forget that they’re still developing. While teenagers may cognitively understand why they need to stay home, they may not yet be emotionally mature enough to process it… resulting in a lot of anger and frustration.  

One of the issues is that teenagers can feel invincible. Even though they know that COVID is dangerous to older folks, even though you’ve explained to them that young people can sometimes experience complications and long-term health effects… they still may have trouble internalizing the information. Chances are they don’t know many kids their age who have been seriously ill and they themselves don’t worry much about getting sick. All of this can make COVID feel like an abstract concern that won’t affect them. 

The problem is increasingly difficult when other parents are not enforcing social distancing rules.  Being a teenager stuck at home looking at pictures on social media of friends gathering without them can be deeply painful.

What can we do to help our teenagers?

It is so difficult to see our kids suffer.  While we can’t completely take away the pain of the pandemic, there are some things we can do to lessen it a bit. New York Times columnist, Dr. Lisa Damour recommends the following tactics to help your teenager cope with the isolation of the pandemic. 

Empathy, empathy, empathy!

This is an extremely difficult time for all of us. It’s so important that you show your child empathy, no matter how much they’re acting out.  Validating your teenagers’ feelings will help them understand that this situation is not their fault and that they are not alone in their sadness.

Dr. Damour recommends telling your teenager that you are deeply sorry that the pandemic has wreaked havoc on their social life and that you understand how painful it must be to know that their friends are getting together without them. Let them know that you cannot believe that the pandemic has gone on for so long and that you understand that for teenagers, in particular, the support of family cannot make up for losing touch with friends.

Recognize that they may be turning their anger against the situation into a fight with you.

It’s not your fault that the pandemic is making it unsafe to gather with other people. But, that doesn’t mean that your teenager won’t blame you. It’s very common for teenagers to turn a blameless situation into a family conflict. Try to shift your teen away from this approach by gently articulating their dilemma. Telling them that you understand how frustrating it must be that their friends are doing things in a way that makes it unsafe for them to spend time together could help your teen see you as an ally instead of an adversary. 

Take the blame. Make sure your teenagers know that you’re fine with being the bad guy. They may be embarrassed about having to wear masks or missing out on indoor gatherings. It can make it a little easier for them to use your “strict” parenting as an excuse for why they can’t engage in unsafe COVID activities.

Give them safer alternatives. Outdoor activities, especially with distance and masks, are still a relatively safe option for socializing.  Making it easier for your teen to take part in COVID safe activities will make them more likely to say no to riskier ones. 

Give them back some control. The pandemic has taken away a lot of the control we thought we had of our lives.  Teenagers, who were just beginning to gain independence, may feel this loss especially hard. New research in the journal Child Development found that teenagers are better able to handle pandemic restrictions when their families support their autonomy. 

While you might not be able to give your teenager the freedom to hang out with friends indoors, there may be other areas where you can shift control to them. Perhaps you can give them more say over what’s for dinner or how they spend their free time or maybe even let them experiment with dying their hair or buying different style clothes. It’s important to recognize that these small gestures won’t make up for the big loss of spending time with friends.  But, it may make things a little easier until vaccines are more widely distributed. 

Remember that your kids can do hard things. No matter how we try to make things easier for our teenagers, they will likely still struggle.  But, remember that history is full of difficult times that people were able to overcome. Your kids are likely stronger and more resilient than you realize. While the next few months will continue to bring challenges, remind your kids and yourself that this time will pass and there will be a lot more joyful days ahead.