How To Discipline Your Child At Each Stage Of Development
Every developmental stage comes with its own set of triumphs and accomplishments… and also challenges. When your child pushes limits or rules, it may be time to begin with some gentle discipline. But, remember that, in order to be effective, disciplinary measures need to be in line with the developmental stage that your child is in.
Babies
Contrary to some outdated views, babies do not need discipline. Until around one year old, it’s impossible to give your baby too much attention. Holding them, rocking them, and responding as quickly as possible to their cries are all healthy parenting approaches.
Toddlers
Toddlerhood can be a frustrating time for both little ones and their parents. Toddler’s emerging mobility and understanding brings them the desire to venture further into the world and test boundaries. Harsh verbal or physical punishments are both harmful and ineffective.
Instead:
Set limits: as much as limits may frustrate them, they also help keep your toddlers safe. Try to put a positive spin on things whenever possible and make sure to notice and praise them when they respect those limits.
Give them your attention: Toddlers want your attention. If they can’t get it from good behavior, they’ll try to get it with disruptive behavior. Spending time playing and interacting with your child will help limit the amount and intensity of tantrums they have.
Model desirable behavior: Little ones learn more from what you do than what you say. For instance, if you ask them not to shout but then raise your own voice when you’re frustrated with them, they will likely mimic your behavior.
Give them choices: Toddlers love to feel in control. But, the truth is that there is so much about their world that they don’t have a say in. Allowing them to choose between several options gives them back a sense of control and lessens their desire to act out.
Redirect them away from undesirable behaviors: A lot of toddler misbehavior comes from boredom or simply not understanding that what they are doing is dangerous or disruptive. Often the best way to stop the behavior is simply to redirect them to another activity.
Notice good behavior: Toddlers respond best to positive reinforcement, so make an effort to notice good behavior and consistently praise them for it.
Early Elementary Age Kids
By early elementary, kids have a better understanding of the world around them and are more able to express their feelings and thoughts. Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline notes that a consequence is more likely to be helpful when it follows the “Three Rs”: It’s related to the behavior (as opposed to a random consequence), it’s respectful (that is, not shameful or humiliating for them in any way), and it’s reasonable (given their age and in proportion to the misbehavior).
Discipline at this age should generally fall under these two categories:
Natural consequences: As adults, we are all too familiar with natural consequences. For example, if we stay up too late before work, the next day we’ll be tired and grumpy. The goal in the early elementary years should be to help your children start to see how their behavior affects outcomes. As much as you can mimic those real-life scenarios, the better. For instance, if they throw a toy, that toy goes away for a set amount of time.
“When/Then”: If natural consequences aren’t an option, try framing things in a positive way. For instance, “When you finish your homework, you can go play outside.”
Tweens
Kids from 10-12 years old are much more independent, and yet still generally want your attention and company. They also have strong thoughts and opinions on the world. This is a good age to help kids learn how to debate effectively and respectfully. Do your best not to get drawn into arguments when their emotions are high.
Discipline at this age should still primarily focus on natural consequences and when/then tactics if necessary.
Teenagers
Puberty can really shake things up for your kids. But, even if they look like adults, they are still far from fully developed. Remember that a teenager’s decisions and preferences are more likely to be based on emotion than logic.
Teenagers may act like they don’t want boundaries, but the truth is that they still need the safety and limitations of healthy discipline. Continue to emphasize natural consequences, but also make sure to remind them of your unconditional love for them. Even though they may not ask for your attention or praise often, the truth is that they need it more than ever.
Young Adults
Disciplining someone who is legally an adult can feel strange. But, if your adult child still lives with you or depends on you financially, there still need to be some boundaries.
Typically, these boundaries come in the form of simply listening, sharing wisdom and insight, spending time together, and making room for any significant others that they may have. But, there may be times when a natural consequence or if/when tactic is necessary, especially if they still live in your house.
All Ages
No matter how old they are, your children will look to you for guidance and emotional support. The relationship that they have with you will affect every subsequent relationship in their life.
Remember that the goal is always to have them develop their own sense of self-discipline, not to rely on you to tell them what is right and wrong. Apologizing when you make mistakes, being emotionally available, and offering constant, unconditional love will give your children the foundation that they need to develop their own self discipline and live an emotionally healthier, happier life.