Parenting During a Pandemic

Summertime is generally a time of freedom, adventure, and social gatherings… a welcome break from the demands of school and afterschool activities. But, for kids who are entering their third month of shutdown, the beginning of summer may trigger a lot of emotions and uncertainty.  Will they be able to see their friends?  Will they be able to swim or go to the beach?  Will life EVER return to normal?

Parenting during this time can be especially challenging.  As much as we want to give our children some reassurance, the truth is, we don’t have a lot of answers. But, while we may not be able to predict what the next few weeks or months will look like, there are some things we can do to help our kids feel safe right now.

Take care of your own mental health.

As parents, we are often so concerned about our kids’ needs that we forget to take care of our own. This is especially true now when anxiety is high.  Since kids don’t have their teachers or friends around, parents may feel like they have to fill in all the gaps. Spending long hours homeschooling and entertaining kids can quickly wear out your own internal resources… which, in turn, can hamper your ability to parent well.

Right now, what kids need most is to feel safe.  No matter how good your intentions are, having an overtired, anxious parent will ultimately make kids feel less secure. Take some time every day to do something just for yourself. Reading, listening to music, exercising, or making art are all good ways to help regulate your own emotions so that you can return with more patience and less anxiety.

Zoom parenting chats with trained professionals can be an excellent way to find additional support in dealing with these unique circumstances.

Listen to their emotions, not just their words.

Often kids have difficulty using words to express how they’re feeling.  Instead of saying that they’re scared or sad, they may act out or become more easily frustrated. During uncertain times, it’s natural for kids to feel a lot of big emotions.  Instead of punishing kids for undesirable behavior, sometimes the best approach is to try to understand how they’re feeling.  For older kids, simply asking them what’s bothering them may be enough. Younger children are often better at expressing their feelings through games of pretend or art projects.

Keep routines and schedules.

In the beginning of this shutdown when it felt like a short break, you may have let your kids sleep in every day or allowed them to have ice cream for dinner. But, now that it seems increasingly likely that kids will be home for the rest of the school year (and maybe part of next), it’s important to establish some routines. Years of research suggest that family routines are integral to children’s emotional health, especially during difficult times. 

For example, if you sing to your child every night at bedtime, continuing now will give them extra reassurance that, even though the world feels different now, there are still things that they can count on. 

Find joy every day

While a sense of structure is important, it’s equally important to allow room for joy.  Studies show that having something to look forward to is beneficial to mental health. Your kids are likely facing the disappointment of missing end-of-the-schoolyear activities, birthday parties, and social gatherings. 

While we can’t replace the benefits of a social network, there are things we can do to keep a sense of playfulness and newness in our homes. Scheduling family game nights, dance parties, or silly theme dinners are easy ways to give kids things to look forward to. Now is also a great time to consider taking advantage of some of the excellent online courses and storytimes being offered.  

But, keep in mind that not every joy needs to be scheduled. Singing and dancing, trying new recipes, and lingering outside to watch the sunset are all ways to keep joy in your family’s life. 

Acknowledge their grief

Keeping a positive outlook is important, but it’s also healthy to acknowledge that this is a difficult time and most of us are experiencing some kind of grief. Make sure that your children understand that all of their emotions are healthy and normal. World renown psychotherapist Esther Perel gives a powerful explanation of the grief we are experiencing and some ways to get through it.

Give age-appropriate information

One of the scariest things about this situation is feeling a lack of control. While it is tempting to keep children sheltered from fear, even very young children have a sense that things are not normal. Talk to your children about what is happening in words that they can understand.  Reassure them that you are doing everything you can to keep them safe and give them concrete things that they can do to protect themselves as well.  (Hand washing, social distancing, wearing masks)

Older children and teenagers may want to talk to you about news that they’ve seen or rumors that they’ve heard about COVID. Make sure to listen and help them to sort out real fact-based information from sensationalized hype. Understanding the situation will help give them a greater sense of control. 

Schoolwork is important, but mental health is more important.

The additional task of making sure your kids get their schoolwork done can feel overwhelming, especially when many parents are also working from home. While it is important that kids continue to get some sort of education, try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your children. These are extraordinary times that few of us were prepared for. Teachers and administrators are doing their best to adapt, but they may not be aware yet of how much schoolwork is realistic in the current situation. Give your children frequent breaks between assignments and talk to their teachers if the workload seems overwhelming.  Remember that real learning doesn’t just happen within the framework of school, but also occurs every time you explore nature, create art, or cook together. 

Keep them connected to friends and family.

There is no replacement for face-to-face interactions. But, when that isn’t an option, facetime chats, phone calls, and texts can help keep a feeling of connection.  While you may be tempted to limit kids’ screentime (and that can still be necessary), keep in mind that it’s currently their only form of interaction. Playing a group video game with friends is one of the only ways that kids are able to experience that feeling of camaraderie and adventure that they’re missing. Checking in on relatives and close friends can also help remind kids that, even if they can’t spend physical time with loved ones, they are still part of a supportive community.

Practice mindfulness.

The isolation and uncertainty of the pandemic shutdown may lead to feelings of anxiety or depression for many children. Practicing mindfulness is an effective way to keep your kids from dwelling in the past or feeling fearful of the future. Remind your kids to stay rooted in the present by focusing on everything they can see, hear, and smell in this moment. There are many online yoga and mediation classes that can be helpful in integrating mindfulness into your family’s lives. 

Spend time in nature, if possible.

Research in a growing scientific field called ecotherapy has shown a strong connection between time spent in nature and reduced stress, anxiety, and depression. For instance, calming nature sounds and even outdoor silence can lower blood pressure and levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which calms the body's fight-or-flight response. 

Many state parks and green spaces have reopened for visitors.  Taking family walks and observing all of nature in bloom can help improve everyone’s mood and be a good reminder that life will persevere.

Unfortunately, for people in very condensed urban areas, being safely outdoors may not be an option right now. In that case, just opening a window or growing a few indoor plants can give your family some of the therapeutic benefits of nature.

Remind them that this will pass.

Another frightening part of this pandemic is the uncertainty.  Few of us have lived through any kind of international trauma of this magnitude. Sometimes it feels as though life will never go back to normal again. While it’s important not to discount your kids’ feelings, it’s also helpful to remind your children (and yourselves) that, although we don’t know when it will be over, we do know that scientists around the world are working hard on medicine and vaccines. 

Spend time researching and reading about other times in history where humans have been brave and resilient through hardships and remind your kids that eventually, those hardships passed.