Should Parents Forbid Their Teens From Hanging Out With Certain Friends?

When our children are small, we have a lot of control over their world. If we don’t like their behavior around certain kids, we can simply limit their contact with them or make sure that they’re heavily supervised when they’re together. But, as children get older and begin to assert their independence, it gets more difficult to monitor who they’re spending time with.

So, what can you do if your teenager starts hanging out with kids you don’t approve of? While there aren’t any clear-cut answers, there are some approaches that can be effective.

Ask the right questions and really listen to the responses

As kids get older, it becomes more and more important to give them opportunities to make their own choices. Our role as parents becomes less about telling them what to do and more about gently guiding them towards making good decisions.

Parenting advocate Sue Scheff, encourages parents to ask questions such as “what do they have in common with their friend and what do they like to do together?”

“I always tell parents it is best to have the conversations before confrontations take place,” said Scheff. “Staying calm, showing a genuine interest in their friends, even if you don’t care for them, will show your child you are respecting him (or) her.”

A teenager who feels listened to and respected will be much more likely to appreciate your advice in the future.

Try to avoid repeated criticisms of their friends

No matter how much you disapprove of your teenager’s friends, it’s usually best to keep criticism to a minimum. Friendships are enormously important in adolescence and criticism of your child’s friends will often be met with resistance and hostility. Instead of encouraging your teenager to stop hanging out with problematic friends, constant criticism may just further alienate your teenager from you.

Focus on behavior

A good strategy can be to focus on the behavior instead of the friend in question. For instance, if the friend got caught smoking, you could say something like, “I don’t like that your friend is smoking. I’m concerned that if you spend more time with them you might be tempted to try smoking also.”

Shifting the emphasis away from their friend and towards problematic behavior can help your teenager look at the situation more objectively.

Realize that your child may be part of the problem 

It can be difficult to acknowledge that your child is making bad choices. It’s much easier to blame problematic behavior on other kids. But, the truth is teenagers tend to hang out with kids who are similar to them, at least in some ways. Before blaming your teenager’s friends for their undesirable choices, talk to your kids about what’s going on in their life in a non-judgmental way. While a troublesome friend may be part of the problem, it’s unlikely that it’s the whole picture. 

Change the structure of your teenager’s days

One way to limit your kid’s interactions with a problematic friend is simply to re-structure their day. 

If they tend to roam around town after school, ask them to choose a club, sport, or afterschool job. Organized activities will still allow them time to socialize (which is very important during adolescence), but with more supervision and purpose.  Giving them the freedom to choose which activity to take part in will help them feel more of a sense of control, which is crucial to teenagers. 

Forbid them to see the friend

Under extreme cases, you may feel like your only choice is to remove the friend from their life. In a recent article on Grown and Flown, the author’s 13-year-old son began smoking pot and getting into trouble with a new friend. While her son was friends with this boy his behavior changed from being happy and engaging to secretive and depressed. 

When other interventions weren’t successful, she eventually opted to forbid her son from seeing this friend outside of school. In this case, ending the friendship was enough to make her son realize that he didn’t want to get in trouble and that there were better ways to have fun. 

Just as every situation and child is different, so too are the solutions. In general, the best way to keep your child from making poor choices in friendship or otherwise is to develop a strong relationship built on love and trust. Every kid will make mistakes, but a teenager who knows they have a good support system will find healthy ways to deal with their mistakes and make better choices in the future.