The Complexities Of Parenting Children In America

Because of its immense size and diverse heritage, The United States has one of the most complex cultural identities in the world. This mix of identities can make parenting complicated. Without the generational knowledge that people in other countries often turn to, Americans are left searching for parenting advice in books, articles, or websites. 

The pressure of raising children in America

This belief that we have the power to completely shape who our children will be can put unnecessary pressure on parents and kids.

Jennifer Senior (TED Talk: For parents, happiness is a very high bar), author of All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood says that in America, “We believe we get to invent our future, our opportunities and who our children are going to be. Which is wonderful, but also very troubling.” 

This idea that our children’s future is in our hands can sometimes skew our perspective on the larger parenting goals. 

Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers, explains that, despite the fact that parents should be raising our children to be independent beings, many parents have a hard time letting go of control.

 “Parents are genuinely anxious about really big things like the melting ice caps and collapsing economy and the unending stories about violence and predators and college admissions,” says Mogel. “They displace all of these fears of things they can’t control onto the one thing they believe they can control, which is children.” 

How competition can affect parenting 

A lack of uniform thought on the “right” way of parenting, along with the idea that parents have the ability to control who their children become creates a competitive spirit as parents vie to find the “ideal” methods of parenting. 

Sara Harkness, a professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Connecticut and a pioneering researcher on parenting and culture, found that nearly 25 percent of all of the descriptors used by American parents were a derivation of “smart,” “gifted” or “advanced.” 

“Our sense of needing to push children to maximize potential is partly driven by fear of the child failing in an increasingly competitive world where you can’t count on the things that our parents could count on,” Harkness suggests. 

It doesn’t have to be this way

In most other cultures around the world, parenting wisdom is passed down from generation to generation and often follows a fairly uniform method. This takes away a lot of the competition and pressure on parents. For instance:

Scandinavia: The Norwegian method of parenting is very institutionalized. It emphasizes early socialization and a great deal of time outdoors. Most parents send their children to daycare around their first birthday where they continue on with structured school and activities throughout their childhood. Even during the dark cold Scandinavian winters, children are bundled up and taken outside to nap in their strollers. 

There is also a big emphasis on the “rights” of children. For example, a child has the “right” to access their parents’ bodies for comfort, and therefore should be allowed into their parents’ bed with them in the middle of the night. Parents who don’t comply are seen as neglectful. 

Asia: Asian parenting varies by region, but there is generally a strong focus on academics and college acceptance. The parent’s primary role is as an educator, and the child’s role is to respect the parent and repay them with sacrifices. 

Japanese children are given a great deal of independence from an early age. Children as young as 7 take the Tokyo subways and walk on busy streets alone. 

While co-sleeping through late childhood and physical affection is more common in Korea than many other Asian countries, obedience to elders is still the core of family relationships. 

Netherlands: Dutch parents don’t believe in pushing their children too hard.  Childhood is a time of regularly scheduled rest, food, and pleasant environments.

Spain: In Spain, the social and interpersonal aspects of child development are emphasized. Children stay up late and are active participants of family life in the evenings.  

There is no one right way to parent

Knowing that there are so many different ways to approach parenting should be liberating, not stress-inducing. Christine Gross-Loh, author of Parenting Without Borders: Surprising Lessons Parents Around the World Can Teach Us said that her research gave her space to let her own children grow into who they’re meant to be.

“It was incredibly freeing to realize that there was no single way to do things and it’s totally okay to make mistakes as a parent,” Gross-Loh said. 

Being a country of immigrants allows us the unique opportunity to view a wide range of parenting methods and goals. Deciding which approach to take can feel daunting. But, maybe, instead of viewing our choices as clear cut and definitive, we can celebrate the good fortune of being able to use both global tradition and present theories on parenting in a way that is most fitting for our individual child.