What To Do If Your Child Comes Out As LGBTQ+
No matter how loving and open the relationship you have with your child is, having them come out as LGBTQ+ can be an adjustment. As parents, we may feel that our children are entering a world that we ourselves have limited experience with… we may be dealing with our own bias, worrying about how our relationship with them will change, or even be concerned about their safety. But, no matter what your personal feelings are, it’s crucial that you be there for your child in this pivotal moment in their life.
What your child may be going through
In 1991, the average coming-out age was 25. By 2003, the median age LGBTQ+ people reported coming out to others dropped to 20 years old. While society has and continues to change, the fact remains that kids who identify as other than cis gender (identifying as the gender they were assigned at birth) and heterosexual still face discrimination. The media continues to portray some LGBTQ+ identities in a problematic way, they are still stigmatized by their peers and their communities, and there are still many places and ways in which LGBTQ+ rights are not equal.
All of these hurdles contribute to the mental health issues that many LGBTQ+ face. According to a study by Trevor Project, a nonprofit focused on suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth, 68% of the 40,000 LGBTQ+ youth aged 13 to 24 surveyed reported symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder in the previous two weeks, including more than three in four transgender and non-binary youth. The same study found that one in three LGBTQ+ youth reported that they had been physically threatened or harmed during their lifetime because of their identity.
It’s likely that your child is experiencing some of this strain on their mental health as they make the decision to come out to you. And, keep in mind, that coming out to you is only one step of your child’s journey. While there is no prescribed set of steps, typically the process of coming out begins with feelings that their sexual orientation and/or gender identity don’t match with societal expectations or the sex they were assigned at birth… followed by research, self-identification, and conversations with family and friends.
And it doesn’t end there. “LGBTQ+ people come out their whole life,” says Kathy Godwin, PFLAG National Board President. “Every time they move, take a new job or meet someone new,” she says, “they are evaluating if this is a safe place or person.”
As you can see, your child will likely face a lot of additional hurdles in life due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identification. That’s why this first step of coming out to you is so important.
How you can help
The good news is that the fact that your child has come out to you is already a sign that they consider you a safe person. Now that you know you have their trust, there are many things you can do to support them.
Reassure your child that your love for them is unconditional. It’s likely that your child will remember that initial “coming out’ conversation for the rest of their life. No matter what sort of internal conflict you’re feeling, make good eye contact with your child, use reassuring words, and be physically present for hugs or whatever form of contact is most reassuring to them. The most important thing for your child to understand is that you love them…. No matter what.
If you’re not sure exactly which words to use, Sarah Kaidanow, 28, who came out at 25, suggests saying something like, “Thank you for telling me. I love you so much and I’m so glad you’ve discovered this about yourself. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
It’s impossible to emphasize enough how important your unconditional love is. In some cases, it can even save your child’s life. The Trevor Project study showed that, while 18% of respondents with lower levels of family support reported attempting suicide in the previous 12 months, only 7% of those reporting high levels of family support did so.
Listen and validate your child. As parents, we often feel like it’s our duty to caution our children about hazards ahead. But, in this case, burdening them with more worries can actually be harmful. Remember, It’s likely that your child already understands the potential struggles they may face. Your job is simply to listen and validate their truth.
Educate yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell your child if there are things you don’t understand. But, remember it’s your responsibility to do the research. You can find both answers and support through online resources and local organizations. A good first step is to find a local LGBTQ+ community center near you.
Stand up for your child. Every child has different needs and concerns. The best way to find out what your child is struggling with is to ask them. Check to see if they're comfortable coming out to other family or community members or if they’d prefer that you do it. Ask your child about preferred pronouns and call out family members if they don’t use them. Check in with your school district to see what they’re doing to make sure that your child’s school promotes inclusion.
Address your own emotional issues. We are all shaped by our environments. It’s possible that you have internal bias about LGBTQ+ people that you haven’t yet addressed. No matter how much you try to hide it, your child will sense if you are uncomfortable with their identity. The best thing you can do for you and your child is to find a therapist to help you work through your feelings so you can fully show up for your child.
Remember that even if you’re having trouble understanding your child's identity or feelings, staying present in your role as their parent is the most important thing you can do to ensure that they have the loving foundation they need to live a healthy and happy life.