Dr. Siggie's Advice On Talking To Older Kids And Teens About Race
While older children and teens may be pushing for independence, it’s important to remember that they still need our guidance. It’s likely that your kids have heard about George Floyd’s tragic death at the hands of police officers and the subsequent protests. They may have seen images or read things that make them feel scared or overwhelmed. As parents, many of us are wondering how best to talk to our older kids about racism and police brutality.
Dr. Siggie Cohen, PhD and parenting expert, explains that, whether we are talking to young children or teenagers, the first step is always to do some self-reflection.
“Think to yourself how you behave, what are your thoughts about race.. conscious and subconscious? How do you speak to people from other races? How do you speak about them when you’re at home and your guard is down? How do you feel around them? Does your body language change? Does your voice change? Your mannerisms? Tone? When you hear a foreign language, what’s your reaction? When you smell a foreign food, what does that make you feel?”
Doing your own internal work to confront personal bias is especially important when talking to teenagers. Adolescents are quick to notice and point out hypocrisies between our words and actions. Working on internal bias is a lifelong process that includes ongoing family conversations. Both young and older children will benefit from a home environment where they feel safe to ask questions and discuss difficult topics
Dr Siggie recommends these guidelines for discussing racism with kids of all ages:
Conversations should start early and be ongoing.
If you haven’t started already, it’s Ok, you can start now.
Be proactive about starting the discussion.
Incorporate the conversations into your everyday life.
Create an environment that lets your child feel safe to be curious and ask questions.
Dr Siggie’s suggestions for engaging older children and teenagers in the discussion:
Incorporate your child into the conversation.
Older children are actively trying to figure out where they belong in the world. Show them you respect their emerging independence by asking questions. For example:
“Do YOU sometimes feel differently? Maybe from your friends? Maybe from your brother? Why? What makes you different? And how does it feel to be different? Do you think anyone else feels that way? Can feeling different be a good thing? When?”
Really listen to what they say.
It’s ok to share your experiences, but don’t take over. Help your kids understand that being different is a universal feeling that we all share, even if our experiences are different.
Remember: Making your child aware of their own feelings enables them to become aware of other people’s feelings.
Think carefully before responding to kids when they use derogatory language.
It’s common for school-aged children (around third grade) to use derogatory language. They are trying to assert their power and “fit in” and don’t yet fully understand the impact of their words. Think carefully about your response.
Don’t say: “Where did you learn that?” It implies that someone else is to blame.
Don’t say: “That’s not nice. Please don’t say that.” It’s not enough.
Instead, focus on guiding. For example:
“I see you’ve learned a new way to use that word… This kid that you’re calling ‘gay.’ Do you actually know that he’s gay? Or are you using that word when you really mean something else? Because the word gay means something specific… we can learn more about it together. It doesn’t mean what you’re trying to communicate right now. If you’re upset, then you can say that ‘I am upset.’ If you’re trying to be funny, I know you can think of another way to be funny that doesn’t hurt anyone else.”
Remember that it’s a dialogue, not a lecture.
Your teen is well aware of differences and diversity, and a lot of what they’ve learned has come from outside of your home. It’s important to ask questions and really listen to what they’ve been exposed to and what beliefs they have. For example:
“What are you seeing out there? What are your friends saying? In school, what did the cliques look like? What do you think about that? Why do you think those cliques exist?”
Remember that you’re not judging, correcting, lecturing, or reasoning. You’re actively listening.
Understand that teens are trying to define their identity.
Teens are actively trying to define who they are, how they differentiate themselves from you and others, and how they fit in. Use the concept of identity in your conversations to help them understand that identity is complex and multi-layered. For example:
“You’re a boy and a brother… What else are you? A student, a basketball player. You’re Irish and Italian. What else? Your friend, Bobby. What are all the layers that make him up?”
Help them expand their point of view.
The common expression “First impression is everything” is inaccurate. The more impressions we have, the less quick we are to judge.
Kids often see things in extremes using statements such as:
But, I ALWAYS…
You NEVER…
They’re ALL…
Listen to your child and help give them balance and perspective with guiding questions. For example:
“Does it seem like they all? Let’s think about it... I know I sometimes do… Have you ever?”
Creating a home environment where your older children and teenagers feel safe to ask questions and discuss difficult topics will improve their critical thinking skills and help them become strong allies in the fight for racial justice.